Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
You took a bar mat shot.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
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