please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Randomize
