Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
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