Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Randomize
