I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
