We won't sleep together?
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Randomize
