my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
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