Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Randomize
