Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Randomize
