Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Randomize
