I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
My overnight senior got drunk and hooked up with Kaylee on Sunday. I checked Facebook and he already put down his deposit for next year. This school should pay me a commission.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
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