Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
