Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
