I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
Randomize
