I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Randomize
