5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Randomize
