I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize
