MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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