so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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