i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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