You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
