I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
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