upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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