So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
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