you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
