I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
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