This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
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