Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
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