Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
Randomize
