That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize
