just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
