I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
Randomize
