I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Randomize
