Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Randomize
