I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
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