He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
Randomize
