Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
