you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Randomize
