At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Randomize
