Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Randomize
