so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize