he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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