I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
