Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Randomize
