hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
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