just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
