forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
