I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
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