are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
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