dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
