I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
