i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Randomize