i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
