I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Randomize
