i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
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