There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
