life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
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